God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the Masterpiece.
You Are Strong, & Victory Shall Come To You Rather Easily.
Friday, November 28, 2008
If Only...
In the wake of the horror in Mumbai... I look at these pictures of something we in North America have only tasted with bitter aftertaste in 9/11...
All I can think of is ... whose going to clean up all that blood?
Ever felt like your suffocating? Reaching out blindly, trying to push whatever it is away just so you could breathe for a moment?
Thats exactly how I feel lately. Like Im being choked, held down, restrained against my will.
I cant LET IT THE FUCK OUT FAST ENOUGH.
I get in my truck and I turn up my music as loud as I can to make the absolute rage and the insanity melt away. I cannot take anymore of the chattering, the oppressive environment Im trapped in, thats choking the breath from my lungs.
It makes me feel like Im so wrong, like I cant do anything right, Im not enough no matter what I do, and Im so near that *snap* moment where Im ready to jump up and scream like a mental patient whose vicodine has gone missing... MAKE LIKE A TREE!! AND FUCK OFF!!!
I could spend every frustrating moment of my damned life in traffic with complete fuck wits who have no fucking clue how to drive (please return the license to your cereal box and also fuck off) and it wouldnt even match up to the infuriating mess that my mind becomes in the presence of certain people.
This is the honest to God reason why I havent been myself lately, not posting... not nothing. I dont feel alive anymore.
As my dogs howl in the background, having been successful in pushing me out of bed at a time I deem far to early on a Saturday... but thats why Im here, for all my lovely little blogger friends... well Heff's not all that lovely, hes a bit hairy and grumpy but I think we'll keep him.
Feeling still a little stung from not being able to see 36 Crazyfists... I wasnt kidding when I said I was upset. I had taken someones word that I would get tickets because "they never sellout" and I shouldnt have listened to that and ensured there would be a ticket for me.
I really was heartbroken, and actually cried. I dont really like concerts. I go to some of them but I usually hate the loudness, the push of people, the smell of other people, being touched by strangers. Yeesh. Icky ick ick. Dont you know 3 out of 5 people dont even wash their hands?! Im not sure thats accurate statistics, but Im just going to believe that EVERYONE is a filthy germ infested walking bag of skin, and dream of a neurotically clean perfect environment where I dont have to worry about all that dirt... .errr .. I mean. ... Im not that crazy... I just like to be clean.... Excuse me while I go wash my hands 24 times ... check the locks and stove 24 times also .... a little OCD never hurt anyone!
Moving along (no, I do not have OCD, ok just a little).
I went throught a weird sort of transistion in the last few weeks... I had really wanted to party for Halloween, having not really ever gone crazy for it, and so I did.
Unfortunately, having gone to Carols viewing (which I had promised I would be at) all I could think of was her face. I hate having that last memory in my head of her. It really bothers me. So instead, Ill think of the last time we Talked. I had gone over to help her mow the lawn and do dishes etc, except someone else did the lawn (who I am eternally grateful to, he doesnt blog or even know about computers but hes an amazing person) because I am a little inept when it comes to a lawn mower. In fact I think I broke it. Ok so Im over at her place, helping her pack up a little, and do a few things because this is when it all started to really go downhill. She couldnt use her hands, or walk very well, and she wasnt feeling good. Doctors couldnt figure it out, had no idea... it would be weeks before she could even see a neurologist, and she didnt have many other people to help . Which brings me to my bitterness, my extreme bitterness. Carol told me of the people in her church, who she had dedicated her life to, didnt really have time for her, in fact, they pretty much ignored her.
Ive felt like that about lot of churches in my life... pretty much all religion disgusts me now. Its a sham... But this isnt about that... I have to stay on topic... She was sad and lonely, both her daughters were far away at the time, one in Vancouver, the other in Europe. She had a few people helping out, but it wasnt enough. I helped out, which I didnt mind, but I felt awkward. Why should I have felt awkward helping someone who was good to me while I grew up? Who looked out for me, gave me advice and listened to my stories? I owed at least that much to her. Probably much more.
As the lawn was finished, the dishes done and everything tidied, she hobbled her way to the door, I locked it as she couldnt even grip her keys, and helped her down the front steps. It was horrible for her as even lifting her legs was difficult. A lady from her neighborhood was waiting in the car at the street, not bothering to get out and even open the door (excuse me while I frown). I helped her in slowly, as it was painful to lower herself in any way, I lifted her leg into the car and put her purse on her lap, a little black bag with the keys clipped the front. As I hugged her to say goodbye, not even thinking it was the last time we'd speak to each other, she told the lady in the car "this is daughter #3!". I nervously laughed and made some comment about how cute that was. I backed up as they drove away, got in my truck and pushed what she said out of my mind.
I personally think it was ALS... Lou Gehrigs... No one really knows.
Ive had a hard time at work lately, which I refuse to blog too much about... its what everyone lives revolve around right? Work First, then food, then the rest of your life.
Ive pretty much given up having a life again... its just work and the dogs. ... Im ok with that I think. Honestly, its not that bad. EXCEPT WHEN THEY EAT MY FUCKING COUCH. arghhakaks]lsdfp-0ahkjspip !! (unintelligble noises)
So I do a quick little bit of cheap Christmas shopping at walmart the other day, which turned out to not be so cheap or so quick, and I dont even know why I bother going to where other people are in large numbers... large numbers of fucking retards.
"Ohhhh lets stand in the middle of the aisle and stare blankly at a shelf and drool a little bit! That sounds like a plan!!" Im the kindve girl that goes in the store, runs around like a crazylady, grab what I need, and Im out. Its just not so simple when you have people who just doddle around like theyve shit their pants and cant walk any faster... it infuriates me on a level that I cant even describe... worse than slow drivers... ok no... they piss me off alot.
I almost rammed a few ankles while I was there... they let their bastard offspring walk everywhere and anywhere, it was enough to make me wanted to grab an onsale frying pan and go postal on the little bastards.
I dont know how these morons were allowed to reproduce... its completely beyond me... I can remember being a kid, but I still got my ass kicked for running around like a complete dipshit.
The amazing onsale frying pan will take care of it I assure you... I mean ... errr.. nothing. You saw nothing!
This isnt a video... but its the ultimately amazing song Im sure they FUCKING PLAYED LAST NIGHT AND I DIDNT HEAR BECAUSE I WASNT THERE. Can I bitch about it a little morE? Ok I will...
give it a listen... ok so Heff & Wil will send me hatemail and perhaps decide Im incompetent in my music selection... but its good... its really good.. I swear...
Ill post again... I promised Wil something good...
I cant forget this little tidbit... I got this email from a friend... and I loved it... So Im making you read it.
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary ......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favourite thing! 6:00 PM - Oooh, Bath . Bummer. 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary ......
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
If you didnt laugh at that, you completely suck and should just go live elsewhere.
Little Miss Tachae will be missing out on something awesome today that she was looking forward to for MONTHS. 36 Crazyfists is in town or even the AREA for the one time EVER. AND IM NOT GOING TO BE THERE.
Long story short... someone forgot to get me a ticket when they GOT THEIRS.
Well I was actually in prison you know, that place where we go all week, and they give us a weekend pass to go home and change our underwear.
But who has time for that? phbt.
Moving along, Ive had the last few weeks to really consider life, and by considering life I mean I drank alot for Halloween weekend. Which could have very possibly been a bad idea, thus the question we all ask ourselves, why does my head hurt and where the hell are my pants? Not to worry, I have since found my pants on my floor. Yes, I have been pantless. It was a very cold week for me.
So much has happened, and I havent fully taken on Carol's passing. She did mean alot to me, but I have met Death repeatedly and he is just a common figure in my life. I have regrets yes, but they are not the ones you may think. I usually cry for weeks, lament and cry some more. This time Ive gone numb, but all I see is Death. He is on everyones face, in their eyes, in the lines, all over.
Death plagues me, because how many people do I know that have died in the last 2 years? I dont even want to know.
I find more and more I like to lose myself in other people... If I just immerse myself in them, drown out any memories or thoughts that are haunting me, it doesnt hurt at all.
I always plan out these wonderful posts about how amazingly thoughtful I am, and blah blah blah blah blah ... blahhg.
Instead Ill tell you how Im suddenly having sick thoughts about how Obama is President-Elect. We all knew he would be, but there is something that bothers me out of nowhere. Maybe its the fact the Iranian President whatshisfuck amahehaggaolblaaahfffdjjjjab is "pleased" that Obama won.
Maybe its also the fact that he'll give away too much to the poor... but I hope hes smart about it.
I just want you to know he only won, because I wished it. Those 130,000,000 votes? Bah. Lies.
Id like to gripe about work, and all the injustices of life, how Im watched every moment of every second (its creepy, would you also like an itinerary of the colors of my pee?) and how I dont know how to be someones someone anymore.
"The girl who lives there used to be a charming, lovely girl, but she's lost faith in herself...
She's a monster! Infectious human waste! Good luck trying to save her! "
"If I had a tumor, I'd name it Marla."
"Marla... the big tourist. Her lie relfected my lie... So once again, I couldnt sleep."
" Marla's philosophy of life was that she might die at any moment ... The tragedy she said, was that she didnt."
