Carol - Oct 26th, 2008

I dont know how much heartbreak one person is supposed to handle.
I just dont know how God expects it to all be ok.

There is no lesson, just unfair how life unfolds and ends so quickly.

All I know is I got a text at work today saying 'we lost mom'.

The pain in my heart is exactly what I felt with Cathy, two different women, but wonderful mothers, friends to everyone.

WHY GOD? Why do you make these decisions, do these things to people? Do you even exist anymore, my doubts are high and my pain deep.

Cruel Black Dove

RX Queen

Wondered where Ive been havent you my pets?!

While youve all been slacking, Ive been working hard at misbehaving.

Id like to say Ive been conjuring up my next best blog post, which would have been full of fairy dust and bunny farts, but alas, thats only when Im drunk as a hobo on Big Bear.

Ive been really really angry lately, to really really sad, to really really happy and partying, getting into clubs without waiting in line, because Im so fucking amazing dont you know? Yeah ok, Im lying. (benefit much to friends being managers and such).

I had the last worst most rotten couple days at work you could imagine (what could go wrong, did, and then someone who obviously hates me, sent evil fairies to come shit in my server computer and THEN sent more evil fairies to shit on my internet, thus shitty shit shit.).

I was watching Sex & The City last night, which I honestly cant see why she was voted Maxims ugliest actress last year. I quite like Sarah Jessica Parker... and despite her molepersonplanetthing, shes good at what she does (Hocus Pocus is my favorite).

I had this post building in my little wee devious brain about what I'd say on here, how Id rant about all the injustices of workinglife, and how/why people get to treat others like shit, oohhhhh because of what car you drive?

I may be the first person someone could accuse of being little miss image, little miss brand name. But you know what, I dont turn my fucking nose up at anyone for BS. If you piss me off I will make you feel like the cockroach in the garbage. Oh I will. You Do Not Walk On Me.

I think I irritate a few people because of the way I do things, Im a little hotheaded, Im a little stubborn, ok alot, and I dont like to take shit.
Shit I do take occasionally, but dont do it too often or there will be a very unhappy Tachaé in the near future.

I hurt someone today, I know I did. Part of my conjured post was about that too... I got home and put my Facebook status as "If you choose to fuck with me today, you will recieve a special limited time gift of a blackeye."

I drove over to the store to buy some magical safety pins for my curtains, when it dawned on me who would be reading it and how they would take it.
Yep. Im a giant bitchy asshole. Eat some humble pie.


Hey Tachae,

I am sorry you had such a rough day and! I am sooooo sorry I bombarded you with so much information. I have just been under a lot of stress at work and in my personal life lately and therefore may be a little less patient then I normally am. Despite what it may feel like, youTRULY are doing a GREAT job and things will get better and less stressful at work soon ! I promise !! Hang in there and again I am sorry if I contributed to your bad day in any way !


Can you tell how bad Ive shoved my foot down my throat?

Lesson definitely learned.

My other lesson being, dont talk to strange men at The Met... strange 75 yr old men.
Jesus you decrepit corpses, theres no seniors discount. 25 and over did NOT mean 75 and over too!!!!

Ill let more positive out later, but I thought Id let you know what a big asshole I am and all... if you didnt already know.

hooray for sleeping beauty (yes I bought the dvd, your all lying if you dont admit how cool that shit is).



thats how Im feeling about the situation.

Et Tu, Kitty?

What Ive Been Up To... And More

I Made The Turkey! Myself! Yes I Did! (nevermind the filthy counter space)





























Lets fake it all for the fame!!

Life hasnt been too kind to me as of late, but I had a turn of good luck on the weekend.

Prior to this, I was hating everything.
I hated anyone who even had the audacity to look at me in an anyway. I was miserable because work wasnt as wonderful as I had tried for, despite coming in an hour early. Hour.

Ill just say it. Ive been depressed. One friend blamed it on chemicals, another horomones, and another said I just needed to go fly a kite.

I came home on Friday and turned my phone off, I didnt want to hear it ring, look at it, text anyone or even think about who might call.

I just didnt care.
I have since turned it back on (it is very out of order for that phone to not be glued to my hand) and it felt good to just kick back, because honestly, nothing life altering would be coming my way by phone, text or email. And if it did, well, its already altered something in life, therefore I can do nothing to stop nor change it.

Therefore I do not give a flying fuck.

I thought about all the people who no longer care about me, who dont call when I need them to, or even send along a little positive energy when Im feeling like Ive vampired even myself, or let everyone else have a bite too.
I thought about alot of the trouble Ive gotten myself into, and I did what I always do, I cried to Grandpa. Hes not here to fix it, so now I must, but how I wish I hadnt been conditioned to think like that. It wouldnt be so hard, or should I say so easy to fuck up?
Believe it or not I have angry moments towards him, when I disagree with judgements he made, choices and beliefs.

He was an Amazing Man, dont get me wrong. But some of his choices have impacted me to the core in ways most people cannot even fathom.
I face it, I was spoiled. I was bad. Im still bad. But some people I meet, and I see how they treat people, it is only by the Grace of God and having my Grandpa that saved me from being like that.

In many ways he loved me, he helped me, he guided me. In many other ways, he made life so much fucking harder.

I am Learning, I am Growing, I am Deciding, but it all feels a little too late.

You know what really bothers me? My super happy positive friends who want me to be just like them, and they tell me everything Im doing wrong, instead of just listening or suggesting.
I would rather honesty, but sometimes the things they say make me despise them all the more, and it brings out a rage that hasnt surfaced for a very, very long time.

I feel Alone.
I feel So Alone, and I feel even more Alone when I realize that I dont feel like God listens, or cares. WHy does He let so many bad things happen? I may never know the answers to these questions I have. I have to face that Heaven may not be Real, and that I may never see the people I love ever again. And you know what?

Thats Life.

I have been on this rollercoaster emotional hell since he died. Before it was OK to be a fuckup, and now I realize it never was "OK".

It is a hard lesson, and I am ok, but you know whats funny? I cried out for a friend (friends if Im lucky), I cried out for help, and I cried out for a much needed guidance. And someone heard me for once.

They sent me an unlikely newfound friend, they sent me someone who helped, and who guided and listened, and then a little happiness on top like an extra cherry.

It might not be all bad, I know I still have dark days and hard times ahead of me, but at least for this moment, I dont feel like making it all black out to nothing. (and they sent me a smaller ass to fit into some new jeans - PS LuvMummy, you will see that and go "nah nah nah nah bitch bitch bitch" but I only buy new jeans once a year. ONCE).

Oh yeah... and lest we forget me being picked up and stuffed in the trunk of the car. It was actually kinda fun.

Watch It. You Have To.

Funny, This Made Me Feel Better.

and theres a midget!!!

Its True

Its very True.

I hate being looked at.

I dont try to dress too out of the ordinary, I dont wear freakish makeup (anymore). In fact, the reason I feel like I get so many stares is because I am trying so hard to ignore everyone.

When I come home, I dont want to even look at my dogs, my cats, my house. Nothing. I want to lock myself in a room thats completely empty and just think.

Is there time for this? No.
In my world, there is no such thing as an empty room.
All the spare rooms in this house are filled to the brim with junk. *Not My junk, but thats a story for another time.

Someone asked me if Im an energy vampire, and it hurt.

I told them it didnt hurt, I told them I wasnt mad, and Im not mad.

I am a little taken off guard, that maybe thats how everyone sees me?

Attention is what I used to feed off of, and now I just want to be left alone.

I tell everyone from the beginning I am awful, I will tear out their heart and serve it up burnt and still bleeding.
Do they listen? Not even for a second.

I almost feel like never picking up my cell phone again, because its just become too much. Its like this connection for me to whine and cry to everyone, and I feel so awful.
I honestly do.
Everyone is my dumping ground, but lately Ive tried to cut it all off.

I cant be someone Im not, but I dont want to be the person I am.

Thus, I have no solution but to go away for awhile.

Whine whine Ive now sucked your internet energy... now go away the internet is full.

Life To Lifeless

Humanity cover me with the ashes of remembrance
I will learn from this pain

there is no darkness without light to teach us of ourselves

Humanity cover me with the ashes of remembrance
I will learn from this pain

life to lifeless to eternity, life to lifeless the cycle repeats

death unfolds itself painfully to unmask how fragile we are
death unfolds itself painfully, teacher of sanity

the pain drags me down
I'll rebuild me
the pain drags me down
I'll rebuild me

Humanity cover me with the ashes of remembrance
I will learn from this pain

life to lifeless to eternity, life to lifeless the cycle repeats
life to lifeless to eternity, life to lifeless the cycle repeats
life to lifeless to eternity, life to lifeless the cycle repeats

Opticon

I love Orgy.
Not orgies you peegs, Orgy, the band.

Especially this song because its kindve dirty.

What else can I say, Im thankful of the well wishers, who have said kind things and hoped Id get off my insane kick.

Unfortunately, until I decide to be eternally hippy happy on my own, it wont end.

Not that I am insane... well ... if youve ever seen me drive you'd argue otherwise.

Im just in this place, this box and I can see my way out, but Im liking my painful little cycle a little too much. So here I will stay, and continue to do my best to make you all delightfully miserable. BECAUSE ITS FUN.

Also, Im going to refrain from talking about work, because doing that on your blog never helped anyone, and ... as much as I am really liking it, I would prefer a papercut in the eye compared to long meetings. Yes I would.

Accomplished much I have.
Now Im off to do whatever it is that I do... on Monday nights... which is... well nothing really.

>> For those of you who dont know, its my Grandpas Birthday tomorrow, even though hes dead and all, and its been 2 years since we celebrated his last birthday with him, Im still all melancholy and sad. I really try not to think about him, but I always do, and Im sad all over again.

Dessert For Breakfast

Ive had quite the interesting little weekend, and its not over till the fat lady sings.

Gracie went into heat yesterday morning, much to my horror and dismay. It looked like someone had been killed on my hardwood, and I thought theyd gotten into something, or gotten cut, but nope.
She a woman now!
Ok well Im sure my male readers are gagging about now, but I dont care.
It is my fault, they were supposed to be spayed months ago, but the $1400 cost, and time, never seemed to jive.

She now wears little kids pullups, with a tailhole cut out. It, in my opinion is terribly cute, she had a hard time learning to walk in them, and I feel bad making her do it, but effective.

Last night was Jeremy's birthday, and as I am in the current stage of learning to overcome my hermit status, I got ready and headed out. But not till 11pm. It was foggy out, thus creeping me out and making me want to lock myself in the house and never leave.

I got down to the Rose & Crown, which was FUCKING PACKED. A line up, at 11pm, to get in a pub? Its become something else, Ive only ever been there once. I waited for awhile, but given the shirt I was wearing, and heels, I was freezing. I ran back to my truck to grab my jacket (that line up wasnt going anywhere) but as I walked up to it, there was this guy looking around, and squeezing behind my truck, thinking he was trying to break in, I frantically grabbed my keytag and reached to push the alarm, until I realized he was taking a piss. So I screamed at him, "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE PISS ON MY TRUCK!", startled he fell over on the car next to me and peed all over himself.
Served him right, fucking dirty tosser.

I wanted to wait for the line up to die down, so I popped into MING for a quick moment to warm up and meet up with some other friends.
Who should I see as the doorman, but none other than one of my old frat cohorts. Chris is one of Jay's closest friends, and a complete PRICK. He has no conscience. I swear.
This is important because the last time we encountered each other, was at the stampede 2 years ago, and he told me how unattractive I was and how much hotter my friend was. I was kinda miffed, because even though I wasnt thin thin thin I wasnt horrendously hideous. And you just dont tell a girl that, or anyone, its rude.
Since losing 90 lbs, guys look at me differently.

Oh and he looked at me differently. He was friendly somewhat at first and then I told him off for what a complete fuckhead he'd been, and since I was looking particularly gorgeous, it worked out well. He was embarassed, I was the victor of our little chat, and I strutted myself down inside to have a quick drink with friends. To which I turned several heads of drooling idiots and mongs. You can dress a pig up, but its still a pig.
(not me you fuckers, them).

My revenge is complete. On him at least.

NEXT!!



















yes I am obsessed with myself.

The Edge Of Reason

Oh shutup Cindy Crawford... I dont care that you are all washed up, dried out and now design shitty furniture for the local dump.

This week has been.... Interesting.

Some have asked if Im even alive, where have I been, why am I not at their beck and call?

I have one of those things you common people call. .. . . . . JOBS.

Im kidding honestly... I am a very common person... in fact I think I have a few pennies to my name.

So it is going well... but I forgot about adjusting life AROUND the job.

Here is my schedule. Up at 5AM - Walk around dazed, crawl back in bed, cuddle with puppies, stumble into shower, stumble around in towel, stumble around while getting dressed, open eyes,
do makeup (but still manage to make it look like Im drunk or blind) and get dogs out then into kennels.
Race off to work to beat morning rush.
Work... work... work... work... (in all honesty I enjoy it its alot of fun).

>> Im watching Bridget Jones while shes high on mushrooms. Its great.

Ok back to my boring reality. Wow shit she chunked up for this role... why?

ok so yeah blah blah blah I work and I work somemore... I come home at Lunch to let the pups out... and then back to work and more work, then drive home in the most insane rush to once again, play with pups and go to the dogpark. Its like a club for dogs... they love it.

Come home, eat a few bites of something, and fall wherever but cant move out of exhaustion.
Oddly cannot fall asleep until 11.
bah.

repeat. repeat. repeat.

Except today I made Thursday, the International Tachae' Day.

As in, we skip doggy park (yes Im cruel) and I hang out, drink a glass of wine, and enjoy a real dinner and a movie.
BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.

err sortve.

well I think I do anyways, and thats all that matters.

Also Wednesday wasnt completely normal, which was good. Faye and I went for Italian, and we had a lovely time.

>> OH GOD BRIDGET IS KISSING HUGH GRANT AND HES SO LIKE UGH .. HOW COULD HE BE CONSIDERED SEXY ? PLEASE BE WEARING THE GIANT PANTIES? WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DOES A GUY SAY THAT ?

AGHHHHHHHHH BLAK HISSS PUKE.

So other than watching the most repulsive display of love since those teenagers at the mall...


So yeah... Im boring now. Excuse me while I go grow old.

Time for Palin to put up or shut up

I saw this article just a few moments ago as Im heading off to work.

Hahahahaha.
Best title ever.

(CNN) -- Is Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin running for vice president of the United States or vice president of the student council?

Listening to some political strategists, pundits and radio and TV blowhards, you would think that all she has to do is show up, sign her name on the roll, and she's done enough to satisfy the requirement for president.

Do people really and truly understand that she will be sitting a heartbeat away from the presidency, backing up a 72-year-old guy who has a history of cancer?

Nothing drives me nuts more than listening to some of these folks who act as if we shouldn't expect Palin -- and Democratic vice presidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden -- to be well-versed on national issues, foreign policy and the social and cultural issues that have to define America.

Conventional wisdom says that the vice president means nothing and that the voters going to the polls between now and November 4 are really voting on Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain. iReport.com: What would you ask Palin, Biden?

But looking at the role that the last few vice presidents have played, especially Vice President Dick Cheney, it is clear that the VP can make a world of difference and that we should be demanding the tough answers to tough questions from both candidates.

Now, the blowhards have been going on and on, suggesting that too much attention is being paid to her gaffes and not to those of Biden. True. But what we have learned this election season is that there are double standards.

Countless folks have said that we all know McCain, and it's necessary to scrutinize every aspect of Obama. Really? I think if you ask the average person, they'll know a lot more about Obama's childhood than McCain, solely by the level of scrutiny.

The truth is, the nation doesn't know much about Palin. And when folks don't know a lot about you, there is an expectation to get to know more. As for Palin, I fundamentally believe that millions of Americans want to know what she thinks about the critical issues of the day and not from reading cue cards.

The McCain camp has done her a huge disservice by treating her like a Faberge egg, totally untouchable. She needed to do multiple media interviews and not keep an arm's distance from the media and, yes, the general public.

Back to that low expectation thing. The reality is that the McCain camp and Republicans want that. Even Biden and the Obama camp are tamping down expectations, hoping that if the bar is set just above someone's ankle, it will be easy to cross. Hogwash. Now is not the time for low bars and low expectations.

We need our candidates to think big and be big. They need to speak to our concerns and our fears. And yes, Biden has been around a long time, and many say they know what to expect from the loquacious one.

But Palin must strut her stuff. Thursday's debate will not be read from a teleprompter. It won't be on cue cards. With the nation watching, she is going to put up or shut up.

What is most at stake is whether she's the subject of further ridicule or can show Americans that she has a strong command of the issues. If she can do the latter, she validates McCain's selection. If not, she calls into question his judgment, and at this stage of the game, that is not a good thing.

- Editor's note: Join Roland S. Martin for his weekly sound-off segment on CNN.com Live at 11:10 a.m. ET Wednesday. If you're passionate about politics, he wants to hear from you. A nationally syndicated columnist, Martin has said he will vote for Barack Obama in November. He is the author of "Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith" and "Speak, Brother! A Black Man's View of America."