What Ive Been Up To... And More

I Made The Turkey! Myself! Yes I Did! (nevermind the filthy counter space)





























Lets fake it all for the fame!!

Life hasnt been too kind to me as of late, but I had a turn of good luck on the weekend.

Prior to this, I was hating everything.
I hated anyone who even had the audacity to look at me in an anyway. I was miserable because work wasnt as wonderful as I had tried for, despite coming in an hour early. Hour.

Ill just say it. Ive been depressed. One friend blamed it on chemicals, another horomones, and another said I just needed to go fly a kite.

I came home on Friday and turned my phone off, I didnt want to hear it ring, look at it, text anyone or even think about who might call.

I just didnt care.
I have since turned it back on (it is very out of order for that phone to not be glued to my hand) and it felt good to just kick back, because honestly, nothing life altering would be coming my way by phone, text or email. And if it did, well, its already altered something in life, therefore I can do nothing to stop nor change it.

Therefore I do not give a flying fuck.

I thought about all the people who no longer care about me, who dont call when I need them to, or even send along a little positive energy when Im feeling like Ive vampired even myself, or let everyone else have a bite too.
I thought about alot of the trouble Ive gotten myself into, and I did what I always do, I cried to Grandpa. Hes not here to fix it, so now I must, but how I wish I hadnt been conditioned to think like that. It wouldnt be so hard, or should I say so easy to fuck up?
Believe it or not I have angry moments towards him, when I disagree with judgements he made, choices and beliefs.

He was an Amazing Man, dont get me wrong. But some of his choices have impacted me to the core in ways most people cannot even fathom.
I face it, I was spoiled. I was bad. Im still bad. But some people I meet, and I see how they treat people, it is only by the Grace of God and having my Grandpa that saved me from being like that.

In many ways he loved me, he helped me, he guided me. In many other ways, he made life so much fucking harder.

I am Learning, I am Growing, I am Deciding, but it all feels a little too late.

You know what really bothers me? My super happy positive friends who want me to be just like them, and they tell me everything Im doing wrong, instead of just listening or suggesting.
I would rather honesty, but sometimes the things they say make me despise them all the more, and it brings out a rage that hasnt surfaced for a very, very long time.

I feel Alone.
I feel So Alone, and I feel even more Alone when I realize that I dont feel like God listens, or cares. WHy does He let so many bad things happen? I may never know the answers to these questions I have. I have to face that Heaven may not be Real, and that I may never see the people I love ever again. And you know what?

Thats Life.

I have been on this rollercoaster emotional hell since he died. Before it was OK to be a fuckup, and now I realize it never was "OK".

It is a hard lesson, and I am ok, but you know whats funny? I cried out for a friend (friends if Im lucky), I cried out for help, and I cried out for a much needed guidance. And someone heard me for once.

They sent me an unlikely newfound friend, they sent me someone who helped, and who guided and listened, and then a little happiness on top like an extra cherry.

It might not be all bad, I know I still have dark days and hard times ahead of me, but at least for this moment, I dont feel like making it all black out to nothing. (and they sent me a smaller ass to fit into some new jeans - PS LuvMummy, you will see that and go "nah nah nah nah bitch bitch bitch" but I only buy new jeans once a year. ONCE).

Oh yeah... and lest we forget me being picked up and stuffed in the trunk of the car. It was actually kinda fun.