Fairy Tales Dont Always Have A Happy Ending

If you hadn't heard already, I crashed my truck Friday morning. Yes again. Yes I'm a stupid girl. Yes I should have been paying better attention. Yes Im a horrible driver.

For unexplainable reasons, all the happiness I've recently felt has taken a 160 degree turn.

It hurts to know I cant seem to make anything work. I feel sick. I feel sad, sick and angry all at once.

I ALWAYS feel this way and its my own self defense kicking in, telling me I should really stay away because nothing good can come of it. Its my way of "beating it to the punch". What people really dont understand is that I AM different. Just because I order iced tea and water EVERY time I go out, doesnt mean Im a freak. Just because I cant sleep right doesnt mean Im a freak. Or does it? I dont want to think that I am, but I know Im not this normal little girl who knits on weekends, and sings while gardening. My garden is nonexistent, and chances are I'd stab myself by pure idiocy with a knitting needle if an attempt was ever made.

If you liked me, you'd like me for me. At least thats how I thought it should go.

Maybe they just dont notice. I complain about a few things, like leg shaking, or small things. I've never complained about what really annoys me. Messy hair, more so because I think its cute. The fact that not once did a nice smile cross their face towards me, or perhaps the fact I felt completely and utterly ignored. So I'll do the next best thing, and ignore them. Why do I look past the truly annoying-as-hell things? Maybe I like them. FOR them. Not for who they arent, or could never be. Yet I, Tachae, am so annoying, do everything wrong, is weird when she sleeps or doesnt sleep more to the truth, and cant get it right.

Since when did anyone ever like having that rubbed in their face?

Why should I feel so rotten about these things? Yet again to be told, you are who you are.

Excuse me?! EXCUSE ME?! I am who I am, the problem is, you dont know who I am.

... and I'm almost sure you never will.

Because I'm weird like that. Now, excuse me while I go have a good momentous cry and hold my dog because SHE doesn't care that Im weird.

Little Old Man

There is a Safeway across the street from my work that I go to, and
everytime I do there is an older gentleman about 60ish who works as a
baggage guy. Im not sure what to call him but he helps everyone take
their bags to their cars and packs them.

As I was pulling in today, I saw him carrying 2 heavy jugs of water to a
womans car for her.
I wanted to cry.

This poor old little guy never complains, he is always cheery and has a
smile for me, will always offer to carry my bags even when I just have
one tiny one.

I want to give him all the money in the world so he never has to work
again, he may enjoy it but something tells me he needs the income.

As soon as I walked in the door of Safeway, he was taking his little
blue and flourescent yellow jacket off. When he saw me he smiled up at
me (all 5 ft of him) and kindly asked me if I needed him to get me a
cart, when I said no thank you, he said "well miss, you have a wonderful
day" .

I almost cried right there.

Wow.

I am mushy.

I have tears in my eyes while sitting here eating my lunch.

PEEeeeeeeevvvvVVeeeeeeees

#1 Pet Peeve :

when roommate leaves toothpaste in sink.




Well I had more to write but Im not feeling well so that is all. You can return to your normal boring lives now.

Why

I am reluctant to trust. This isn't anything new to me. Everyone knows it.

When I do cave and I trust, I always come raging back to my blog in tears of hurt and feeling like a little girl who didn't know any better.

I want to be happy. In fact, I deserve to be happy. I dont mean that I deserve it anymore than someone else. But come on, for the first time since my Grandpa died, I actually feel better. I have felt better, but not the feeling of healing like I can think about him, miss him and KNOW that it is better he isn't here.

It took alot of things in the last year to really make me see myself for what I was, and take steps to change that.

Now, we come to today. The ugliest day of the week, Monday.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling weird and lost. I couldnt fall back asleep and I was frustrated.
I was trying to get ready but the feeling wouldn't leave me. It PLAGUED me. Like today just wasnt going to be what I wanted it to be.
Oh and it wasnt what I expected more or less.

It all works out Im just learning a few lessons in humility. I may be a strong person, but I cannot always be right (hmmm or can I?) and I can't expect people to be on the same page as me. I tried to go halfway only to be kicked by the person I was helping.

I guess I know what it feels like for someone trying to be My friend.

Mustard Seed - Kidney Thieves

Hill up the road, gathering thoughts never adding the way I want them
Sweet Jesus show me through the Indian paintbrush
Faith was

Cursed upon me, a mustard seed was good enough for him and good enough to me

Or after all, will I shake my magic 8 ball, it's bubbling
And the brisk walking heartbeat won't tire me, it keeps me strong
Faith was

Cursed upon me, a mustard seed was good enough for him and its good enough to me
Pillar of salt, shaker of black
Killer of thought, turning my back
Believe you were wrong and said they would laugh and I'm trying to be humble about it

I like the rain, I like going against the grain
Seems to me I'm cutting out a simple pattern

---she was weak---

Hill up the road, watching my thoughts chase each other
Sweet Jesus show me the faith cursed upon me

--she walked away--

But what can I do?

Trying to settle into anything is always a fun thing for me. This is because,

I. Dont. Settle.

I simply have to fool myself into getting used to it all until I just turn the auto-pilot on and thats it.

I havent slept more than 3 hours the last couple nights. Well, maybe I will get used to it.

Just maybe.

How can I believe anything you've ever said

You'll Figure It Out

Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?

Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away

Something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle
And you're not a saint
Just another soldier
On the road to nowhere

Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

And Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

amie - damien rice

McCulla

This is why I love McCulla... the night after being arrested for being lost in Suburbia, and disturbing the peace, he got himself locked out of the truck in the rain and made the best of it in a drivethru.

HAhaha.

BC - 2007

Shane and I did the BC drive again this year. It was an ok drive but pretty stressful in the middle of the night. I got to see the wonderful Abby again and give her hugs all weekend so I was happy. Shes growing up so fast.

This is her last year at age 4

And ironically, in nearly the exact same spot on the old couch, is her this year

Ah! I miss her so much and shes not even my own niece. Shes going to be someone amazing, already is but shes going to grow up to be such an awesome girl.

This is my crazy awesome Aunt Irma, who I love dearly. Shes so funny and very to the point. Best kind of person. Thats the dog Tasha, who was named after me (yes Im proud of it) shes the most amazing german shepard you could ever meet. I look like crap and was in pjs so I cut myself out of the pic. I wanted to bring Tasha home with me =( .

Drowning Pool - Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

everyone dies.

therefore everyone is dying or dead.

i miss you.