Lost.

I have never had to worry about anything. My Grandpa was always there. He always backed me up. He did EVERYTHING with me. He took me to daycare everyday. He took me to school. He even came to pick me up from highschool.

Even when I was wrong, he always backed me up. He defended me to everyone. I was his favorite girl. Now I am no ones favorite and I am so horribly lost. I will never be that important to anyone for the rest of my life. When I went to New York, he was the very first person I called when I left JFK. I wanted him to know I was ok, because I KNEW he was sitting there waiting. He was smiling and told me to have a good time. He was just happy to have the phone call.

He was so simple. It didnt take much to make him happy. You could treat him to Swiss Chalet dinner and a glass of red wine and he'd talk about it all week, and probably the next.

I am Jill's Numb Heart.

His hand was still warm at the hospital and now he is so cold. I dont want them to stick him in the ground. I dont want him in there. Ijust wanted him to wake up and tell me this was a sick joke and its not true.

He wanted me to know what Death was from a very young age. His father died when I was about 5 and the entire family was against a child going to any funeral. They didnt think I had any place there. He insisted I go, and of course won. He said you cant go to the same funeral twice and its true. He was ALWAYS like that. When someone said I shouldnt be somewhere, or put me down, he backed me up and brought me anyways.

No one could ever know someone more Generous. I could have asked for the sun and moon and he would have found a way to bring me a piece.

I miss him. I miss him ALOT. I never even imagined how bad it would hurt. Losing Grandpa Spike really hurt, but in the last few months I started to feel Ok. I was adjusting because I kept telling myself I still had Grandpa. He would be there. Just a little longer. Now hes not.



















This picture I took at his last birthday dinner, at Swiss Chalet of course. He has rib sauce on his cheek and a big goofy smile, but this was exactly how I want to remember him. His cupcake-cake. He loved being there with everyone. He just LOVED it and I always couldnt figure out why anyone would want to spend that much time with our family.

I had brought Kayla to dinner that night, and even though she isnt in our family, Grandpa made her feel special he was just delighted to see her. She then made "tea" with cold water and my old tea bag (which was totally gross but no one really cared). Grandpa called Kayla over to sit with him and let her pour him some "tea" into his coffee mug, and I was thinking 'aw shit, this could be bad' but he drank it anyways! Told her it was wonderful and kept drinking the cold, recycled tea because he wanted her to be happy. That was all. He was happy making everyone else happy.

My Grandpa.

My Grandpa died this morning, I never thought this day would come and now my heart is in a thousand tiny pieces.

Everything I have, I have because of him. I have so much to be thankful for. Why God, why do you have to be like this? I lost both of my Grandfathers this year and now I dont know what to do without them. I just wanted to have him wakeup and say goodbye just for a minute, why couldnt God let me do that? WHY?

Shimmery Green Bags & Pit-Stick

I was feeling inventive with my title, ok?

I am led to wonder if I will ever find myself to be pretty. I put on an air of confidence, almost arrogance, in the hopes that no one will ever look under it and see me for what I am.

I am also led to believe that most so called "beauty-products" are a bunch of crap. These Biore nose strips I use, well, all theyve done is tear skin from my nose. Plus the company is crafty, they only put 8 thin little strips in a box. 8!! Then charge you $12.99 for the stupid things. Crafty marketing pricks.

In other News, I congratulate Karla and Mark on the long awaited arrival of their son, Nathan.
Karla is the bubbly, creatively happy writer of http://untanglingknots.blogspot.com . I was so excited to see a picture of their beautiful child after all the pain theyve endured in the last long while since losing Ava. I wish you all the best in your life with the best Christmas gift youve ever recieved.

As I was saying, these so called "beauty-products" are a complete and total waste of time. You know whats sickeningly sad, is that, I, Tachae', spend countless dollars on them. I havent lately until I started budgeting and cutting back on things I honestly dont need. The only thing I refuse to cut back on is my hair products, burn in hell if you think I'll use shitty drugstore shampoo. Bah!! My mouth tastes sour and my scalp feels tight at the mere mention of that stuff.
Yes, I will always be a snob at heart.

Funny I write this and Ive forgotten this stupid nose strip on my face. I only started to notice it as the tightening, almost painful feeling set in. I think I'll have to resort to laser technology if I want to be perfect. Not that Im exceedingly hideous, God I really hope Im not.

Oh an AfterNote. I had been going to the Sunridge branch of my gym for the last 4 years, so when I transferred over to the one nearby my house, I was unfamaliar with the place. This was also apparent when I strolled straight into the mens changeroom and started putting my bag into a locker, only to turn around and see a guy standing behind me listening to his Ipod and getting ready to yank his shorts down. Holy Shit I dont think Ive ever vacated a place so quick. Embarassment at its finest!

PS. Does anyone actually read this rubbish?

Kota The Terrorist

MY DAWG

I Hate Everything About You

Fits so well.

Rosie was her name. Rosie she was not.

In the passing of my aunt on Christmas Eve, I realized that I have alot of things to be thankful for. In fact I realized how snotty I am.

My house isnt bigger than any of yours. My truck looks worse than most other peoples. I have credit card debt out the ying yang and yet I know this for sure... I dont want to be like my aunt. I dont want to live my life so full of hate. I hated this woman, Ive held onto this since I knew what hate really was.

I wasnt there when she died. I couldnt wait to dance on this womans grave. I was giddy at the thought that she was getting exactly what was coming to her, and yet when my mom told me she was gone, I felt an odd twinge of sadness, guilt even.

I dont want to have someone standing at the foot of my bed just waiting for me to die. I dont want to be remembered with contempt. I want to be loved when I go... also I dont want to be a vegetable like her. Taking years to die... that would be the worst way I could imagine it. I want a swift, entertaining death, much like myself =).

Not to say Im planning on killing myself anytime soon, I just loathe the very idea of myself laying there, rotting, not knowing anyone.
The Notebook (movie - ryan gosling blah blah) made me cry so hard because it reminded me of my Grandparents. Every fucking time my Grandpa makes me go visit my Grandmas nursing home I just cringe. She died to me the day she stopped remembering my name. Shes not really there. My Grandpa tries to talk to her but she just makes up her own version of what hes saying. I know it hurts him, but no one can do anything. You cant reverse that. You cant make it stop. I dont want to have the person who loves me sit there and not know me, or vice versa.

So, in saying this, if I ever get to that vegetative state, I'd like someone to off me. Not anything gory please. Just a nice quiet one.

- PS. My new favorite laundry detergent is Apple Mango Tango.

- PPS. I hate having the flu. Maybe I'll just die now.

Alexisonfire

I LOVE THIS SONG TOOOOO

Christmas Tree Jump

EXCELLENT!!!!

Predator Posing As A Housepet

I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.

It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree -- so special, then, bam -- it's abandoned on the side of the road, tinsel still clinging to it...

Like sex crime victims, underwear inside-out, bound with electrical tape.

















(I was having a Fight Club moment.)

City and Colour - Comin' Home

Im in love with his voice.

Sam Malone - Dallas Green

You can try to fight this all you want,
but I won't be there when you're all alone.
This new season brings with it signs of hope.
You can't leave me waiting by the phone.

And I know, there is.
Some place I can go.
Where no one knows my name.
And I still remember the sound of your voice.
Although your silence still rings so clear.
Do you think I would call just to hear you breathe?

You always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears.

And I know there is.
Someplace I can go.
Where no one knows my name.
Where no one knows my name.

Late Night Talks

Kenny is a terrible thesaurus.

Coming Home - Dallas Green

Well I've been down to Georgia,

I've seen the streets in the west,
I've driven down the 90

Oh hell, I've seen Americas best

I've been through the Rockies

Hell, I've seen Saskatoon

I've driven down the Highway 1

Just hopin' that I'd see you soon

Cuz I'm comin' home

I'm comin' home

Well I've never been to Alaska

But I can tell you thisI've been to Lincoln, Nebraska

And hell you know it ain't worth shit

I've been through Nova Scotia

Sydney to Halifax

But I'll never take any pictures

Cuz I'll know I'll just-a be right back

Well I've seen a palace in London

I've seen a castle in Wales

But I'd rather wake up beside you

And breathe that old familiar smell

I never thought you could leave me

I figured I was the one

But I understand your sadness

So I guess I should just hold my tongue

I know that we're taking chances

You told me life was a risk

I just have one last question

Will it be my heart

Or will it be his

Comin' home

I'm comin' home

I love this song so much. In fact I love all of his music. Funny thing isnt it.

Day Old Hate

She hurts me with the things she says. I look past most of the bullshit and know that I still love my friend because she IS my friend and I cant stop caring for someone no matter how hard I try.

She hides behinds whatever she can to make believe that some things havent happened. Now, I realize many many people do this. We ALL do it at one point. It makes the pain and greif alot easier to deal with. I have rolled my eyes and just bit my tongue when she would tell me more lies.
Why, you may ask.
Because shes my friend and even though we are not always true or good to each other, I am still there (Like some are there for me, MissFayeus) .

This time I couldnt keep my mouth shut. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her I really cant buy your lies and your bullshit any longer. She cant keep trying to fool me. She can do it to others thats fine, but I unfortunately see what they dont. I know what they dont.

Is this all my fault?

She follows and copies many of the things I do and usually vice versa. Yet, I know I shouldnt feel responsible for many of her actions. Maybe if I hadnt done them myself, she wouldnt follow suit.

MY HEART IS BREAKING.

Remember being young and playing dress up in your parents clothes? Where have those days gone, where is the innocence?
What have we become? What happened to high school, just having a good time and making each other laugh? What.Happened.

It hurts me to tell her off. It hurts me to push the truth in her face because the lies make me sick.

Literally. Make. Me. Nauseous.

...

I am left to wonder, is this how everyone feels about me?

For What It's Worth

I love Dave Chapelle.

Shoulda

For all you Christmas junkies out there, you will be sadly disappointed in me.

I am boycotting Christmas this year. I will not be attending any dinners or whining over my gifts. In fact I expect very few.

"I shoulda coulda woulda said it back to you"

Oddly enough I am filled with melancholy and a bit of heartbreak. I had promised someone we would boycott Christmas together this year and make it work. Well, obviously it didnt work. I never forgot the promise and what it still means to me.
I just think they forgot me completely.

I start with a new trainer tomorrow. Her name is Tanza, she is amazingly upbeat, and I know shes going to work me like a dog.
I ran Kota down by the river today. Holy Mary Mother of God Himself. It was COLD. I was layered and my buns are still defrosting.

I miss my dog. Yes LuvMummy I miss her. I'd like to steal her back and have cuddles with her all day, except she'd get sad living with me.

PS. If my videos are OH SO BORING then quit feckin' watching.

Vancouver Bus Overload

Riding the bus in Van! Yay! Not so much.

I hate mini van drivers

SOoo. I need Anger Management apparently.

RIOBENT

Last year I wrote about a band who touched me in alot of ways and thrilled me because I dont really like live music in my face, I REALLY liked them.

They hail from Vancouver, and have been to Calgary 2 times that I know of. I missed the second show which I hugely regret. SADFACE. I just want to take this time to put them up here and get more people listening to them.

After I met them I realized they are a small band with a big heart. They put it all into their music and the people who listen to it.
They are everything a band should be and I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!

CHECK IT OUT FUCKERS!! http://www.myspace.com/riobent

http://www.myspace.com/riobent

I took this picture of Allie during the show I saw at Mac Hall.












LISTEN TO RIOBENT!!! NOW!!!

Pain - Three Days Grace

I love this song. Its everything that means anything.

PS. S.M. you can stop staring at me and my obviousnesses.

Just Checking For Bees.

First order of business, Happy Birthday LuvMummy. (Shes 40, so I didnt want her to forget or anything).

So, why is it when your just trying to be straight forward, and you honestly dont have that much more time in your life for MORE people, do they take up your time telling you shit you dont care to know?

The normal banter you really dont care to share with complete strangers. Its awkward. Just leave me alone. Im really not being a bitch. At least I dont think I am.
I understand the need for my space now (even though I havent given it to some people in my past) I realize how important it is to me.

I also think its because Im slowly growing up and deciding how much I like living on my own. I was going to aquire a roommate but since I have an ever growing need for my space and privacy, it doesnt work out.

Is that weird? That I dont want to wake up with anyone except a cat or two? Just lay in bed and not have to worry what the person next to me is going to think of my bed-head and smeared makeup from the night before? Or have to make small talk when all your hoping and praying for is them to leave with nothing more but a quick goodbye so you can fly out of bed and go pee and not have to worry about them listening? (Ok I may have some serious issues with that). I just dont feel the need to have someone there 24/7.

Why cant people, even my age, just be with someone without being connected at the hip?
Its taken me quite a while to figure out that the only thing I truly love is my freedom. (You all should be aware in less than a month I'll probably be on my blog whining about the latest guy to smash my weary heart).

I want a relationship that I can be free in, I thought I knew exactly what this was but I really didnt. I thought I could love someone and not make them feel hurt and trapped, but I couldnt.
I thought I was doing everything right but I wasnt.

Its taken so long to realize how much I was hurting people with what I thought was right and it turned out I dont even want that. I dont want the regular meat and potatoes life. Is that so much to ask for? The less I see the person I love, the MORE I want them. It makes perfect sense when Im not in a relationship only, its really not that easy to make it work when your in one.

The key is to never let it become routine, we all know that.
Its so clear right now, probably the only time it ever will be, but I cant stand to think of wasting another minute in a relationship like that. Holy shit what have I been doing these last 2 years?
Where did they go? I should have been enjoying it with my real soulmates (my friends) instead of these passing fancies. Lesson learned of course.

I think its fair to just want everything to be spontaneous. I want good suprises. I dont want to hear from you everyday necessarily. Just show up and tell me random things and youll never lose my interest.
Now if only I can do that for someone else.
Then I'll be at a place where I will be happy. ME. Not you. Me.

Now for a leetle joke.

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

AHAHAHA. Eee. I love that joke. Yeah Im a total nerd but if you cant laugh with yourself what good are you?

Driving

100 miles an hour baby!!

Yeah LuvMummy, I know just how 'impressed' you'll be dont worry.

I wonder. wonder so much.

Lets just say whoever in Southold reads my blog, I know.

I just dont know who they are. Or Why they read my blog. Maybe if they'd drop a comment once in a while I could get a clue. I just dont think they will. Maybe I'll never know.

That house on the Sound. With the seahorses and that beautiful view of the Sound, was in Southold.

If I told anyone how much I really missed that place, would they believe me?
Or would they tell me I have 'anywhere but here syndrome'...

PS. Im not trying to get you to stop, I just want to know why you read it. Maybe I'll never find out.

The Important Persons

So, why is it, when you get a call from someone you rarely talk to, not out of hate, or spite, just simply not having the same schedules in which you are free to talk, its the sick irony that they will call you when you have the least time to talk.

Restrictions, restrictions.

You know S.M. , I do miss talking to you. You arent perfect, your not always there but your really good when you are there.

This ones for you.

marvin gaye and Florence Lyles aint no mountain high enough

Oh I love oldies. Yeah Im a freak.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG

Well 2 years ago, in a cold, very cold, basement of my old house, I created my blog.

My my how things have changed!

To celebrate I give my blog this... chocolate... cake...

The penis to balls ratio is frightening.

Linger - The Cranberries

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to, Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, But I was wrong.

I was wrong.

If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

Linger

SO. Many of you may wonder just what it is I do with my days. I do realize many of you dont really care and if thats the case PISS OFF AND STOP READING MY BLOG YOU DAMN HIPPIES!!

I was in a little fender bender on Sunday night. I was happily driving along 5th St. heading for Thai Tai to get a smoothy because of my recent root canal I havent been really hungry for anything except cold slurpee type drinks.
This woman decided she'd make a left turn IN FRONT of my truck. Now, Ive even had police officers tell me its a scary mean looking thing. What makes someone just decide to make a left hand turn from a right hand lane? I nearly T-boned her. Which makes me feel bad, I mean if she had died it would have stuck with me for a very long time, her fault but my guilt.

I'd been having a dream for a few weeks. Where a little girl would come to me and whisper CAR CRASH! in my ear. I figured my little messenger in the night was a few months late as Ive already had my accident for the year (hopefully the next few years). It would echo in my head every time I picked up my car keys so Ive been trying to behave when I drive somewhere, wether it be to work or to the store. Plus the icy slush makes me less inclined to want to speed. DESPITE what my mother says Im really not so bad.
Then. She. Ruined. Everything.
I just cant understand how someone pulls a turn from the farthest lane WITHOUT looking. Im sure everyone does illegal traffic offences. Its a part of life, no one is perfect. BUT LOOK WHERE THE HELL YOUR GOING LADY !!

I just cant understand how someone in a tiny car doesnt see a loud, honking, black SUV coming straight at them. Its not like Im fucking inconspicuous. Yes! Thats it! My truck was really under its invisibility cloak.
Whatever cereal company is handing out Drivers Licenses, I'd like to know so I can go piss in the boxes.

This dry weather is making my skin ITCH. My nighttime insomnia has returned and now I stay up trying to suck ice to make my jaw stop hurting.

My sunday accident was also the exact 3 month marker for my Grandfather passing. Its strange how it feels like hes still there but hes just not. I remember looking at him in the little cedar box at the funeral home, just wishing he'd sit up and look at me. No matter how creepy that is, it didnt seem real that he wasnt breathing. I didnt want to believe it. I wanted to move his head, it was bent to the side in such an awkward position, but touching him made me cry. My moms convinced he's around somewhere. At the same time, who would want to stay around here when Im sure theres much better places to go when your dead. Its funny how I fool myself into thinking everything is so normal. When Im sitting there I keep expecting him to go turn on the radio in the kitchen and have his morning coffee and stare out the window like he did every single time Ive ever been there. My pain didnt stop when we spread his ashes (well more like wore the ashes). I dont know when it will stop or if it ever will. I just know that if I could redo one thing, I'd say goodbye. I feel like no one understands this big hole inside of me. Im sure people do, its not the first time in history that someones died. I just wasnt ready. I didnt see it coming.

Im pretty selfish. Only saying I, I, I. Well this is MY blog afterall. I just dont know how to make things right.
Another thing Ive realized, someone sure as hell wants me to appreciate my life. This accident may have not been my fault, but Im sure it could have been worse.

So who do I thank? My Grandpa for giving me the truck that Im safe in? My mother whose voice echo's in my head every time I hit the gas too hard?(She had some valuable advice, 'Someday youll have to pay a price you may not be willing to pay.') Or is it my friends who have lost so much more and have led by example? See. I may be dumb, but not so dumb after all.
Funny, but not haha.

Just One.

I am stuck in the hell of what could have been.

I am stuck thinking how much I love and hate someone simultaneously.

I am stuck feeling sick from those hot dogs from hell.

I am stuck thinking how your lying to me every.damn.day.

I am stuck wondering why you dont miss me the way I miss you.

I am stuck ruining my current relationships with everyone else.

I am stuck waking up every day wishing you'd say it wasnt real.

I am stuck wondering why Im so fucking Emo.

You said.

"dont lie to me please" - then why did you lie to me?

"you dont realize how much you mean to me" - then why did I mean so little so quickly?

"im right here" - no your not.

"tachae im so sorry" - no you werent.

"i never meant to do that to you" - yes you did.

"even from me...the person who really loves you" - you never loved me.

"you made me the happiest anyone ever has" - no I didnt.

"i told you im never going to stop talking to you" - I think thats the only thing you didnt do.

"no its not done either" - yes it is.

"do you see that i care about you?" - no you dont.

"i found who makes me happy" - and you broke her.

"because i actually want you to stay" - now you seem to just want me to go.

"ive learned so much from you" - then why did you forget it.

"if you loved me you would do that for me" - if you loved me I wouldnt feel like this.

"i never stopped loving you" - more lies, anyone?

"i love you tachae i really do" - the worst lie of all.

ABBY

Shane's neice. Finally got the sound going on this one.

District B13

AWESOME!!

BLAH!! I feel so OLD!!

Pizza

we can sit here and talk about pizza like its nothing

















but really im thinking about how we sat across from each other holding hands while we waited for it