WHEN YOUR GONE IM BLUE

MOMMY CAN I KEEP IT?!

My little cat friends!! Patience and Buttercup. I took this last week, they were just too cute.

Eyes

WHAT KIND OF EYES














You have brown eyes. Brown is the color of the earth. Your eyes symbolize your comforting and fostering nature. You are stable, grounding, sophisticated, considerate, conventional and orderly. People may consider you to be cozy or warm. People feel safe when they are with you. Some words to describe you: reliability, elegance, security, healing, homely, grounding, foundation, and earthly.

Drive

Dont.

I dont want to talk to anyone.

I miss my grandpa.

I really do.

NO!!

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE YOUR BETA VERSION !! GET OFF MY LAWN COOKIE BEASTS!!

I work with some awesome guys.

... I really have nothing to blog about lately.

Why is that ?

NO I DO NOT WANT GREEN EGGS AND HAM.
(recipe for disaster)

PS. Gears Of War is SICK. I love it.
Nnnnnggg. Chainsaw Rifle... my new best friend.

Im Just A Girl

Everything I look at, every single thing I pretty much think about has to do with NY.

It wasnt just Jim. He didnt make me fall in love with that place. There is just something calling me. Its been calling me for so long. I always feel a pull towards the mountains that tells me when I should be there, when I NEED to be there. This feeling is like that one but so much stronger. Nothing has ever made me want to be there so badly.

All the important things in my house are there because they remind me of something I had there. Some memory. I feel like such a sap but Ive never felt like this my whole life. Its like theres this dark cloud on everything else, but when I think about NY I just feel something tearing inside of me to get out, to be free.

The picture that hangs on my wall above my computer, reminds me of a beach on the Sound. It was a horrible rainy day (but I love rain so whose complaining) I just sat at this window and pushed my fingers up on the glass watching the wind make treacherous waves wash up on the shore just in front of me. I think I stood there for 20 minutes before I could pull away. I dont think Ive ever been so happy than I was the first time I saw that shore. Its also the last time I saw it.
He never took me back to that place.

It broke my heart.

I will go back and I really dont care what everyone says. Im no longer in love with someone there but I still feel that place pulling me back. If I left and never came back
... would it be ok?

Pathetic

I think every guy I know has shit on my head in the last 24 hours.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

TO KICK THIS KIDS ASS!!

AGAIN

So I let him hurt me again. Im ashamed of myself. Im ashamed of the way I acted. I childishly threw his dvd back at him. A dvd I still love and actually enjoyed watching (new things can always be bought, memories cant).

He really doesnt understand me. He says he knows me. Im negative. Im horrible. I never have anything good to say. Im so much more than that.
You arent worth my tears mr. dale howard.

He made me feel like I was worthless. He made me so happy because he made me smile and laugh for the first time in what seems like forever. My stomach churned all weekend and I knew he was 'unhappy' again. I felt it and I knew I wasnt happy either. The stress he causes me even when Im 300kms away is enough to make anyone puke. Why did it have to depend on his happiness ? Apparently mine didnt mean anything at all.

I never thought I could feel so much and so little for someone all at the same time.
Once again Im sulking because he got the last word. Actually ! I did ! I told him he was a waste of time. Which Im sure hes really torn up about. Yeah right.

Most of all I truly am ashamed. I let myself be childish. I knew better. I knew better than to go back. I really thought he gave a fuck about me. How stupid can I be? How many more times will I have to learn? It finally became clear when I nearly started crying about my grandmother to him and he just totally plowed over it and started talking about BMX. Fucking BMX. No wonder it would have never worked. He's still 10 years old.

He really seemed like a nice guy. He seemed like an amazing guy. Im just disappointed in who he really was. How used he made me feel. How dirty. How much hurt he caused me in the last while.
.... All the while I cant help feeling like its all my fault. Like I did it all wrong. I blame myself and maybe thats what he wants. It makes me feel sicker and sicker like I have something crawling in my veins.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I wanted to smash his lights in with a Louiseville slugger all the while singing to Carrie Underwood. I have a violent side. I have an angry side. Maybe Im like Gollum and Smeegol ( I'd like to think Im much prettier) but the bad and the good sides remain.
I hate him. Then I realize he isnt worth my hate. He didnt care when I hurt. When I needed someone. He didnt care at all and thats what hurts the most. He lives out his childhood to this day. He is happy doing that. He is happy doing those things and Im going to drop it. That is the only way I'll ever move on. I already HAD fucking moved on. Stupid me. It wasnt him who let me back in. It was ME. It was my fault.

When will I learn? When will I make it stop? I want to run away I want to leave I want to know that someday there will be someone who is honest, true and doesnt make me feel like some girl that just happened to cross their path. I wont pretend I'd like to tell EVERYONE IM GOING TO RUN AWAY AND BECOME A LESBIAN! My mother would be so proud.

I wish I could have a complete revenge. Watch him hurt the way I hurt.
But I know, that like myself, good things come to those who wait.

My karma has paid its dues and so will his.

Do I ultimately feel like I made a really big mistake? I'd like to think he hurt when I said certain things. I'd like to think he actually felt and that he was sorry. He said it enough that it just lost its meaning.

Worst of all... I knew it was all coming down to this, and I ignored it.

Will this happen everytime I try to feel anything?! Everytime I let someone in they hold something over me. I hate that. I never want to let anyone make me feel pain ever again.

I wish I could take back bending the dvd and throwing it in his doorway. I know hes tossed it in the garbage. I know hes forgotten everything but his anger for me. Oh well. Im sorry.

Beautiful

Beautiful hands are those that do work that is earnest, brave and true.

Beautiful faces are those that wear whole souled honesty printed there.

Beautiful lips are those whose words leap from the heart like the song of birds.

Beautiful eyes are those that show beautiful thoughts that burn below.

- Author Unknown.

This will remain my favorite collection of words.

Ps. I never forgot that day.

Instead Of Misery. You wear me Out.

So I sit here heavy with a broken heart patched with make believe bandaids and glue sticks.

Dont get me wrong. I have alot of happy moments in my life. I just choose not to blog those little moments.

I was sitting in traffic yesterday becoming increasingly annoyed with the Sunday bullshit of everyone and their dog looking at the sky instead of actually driving. I tuned into la-la-land and out of the corner of my eye I watched a little girl of about 3 maybe 4 years old walking hand in hand with her mother. Tiny little photocopy of her mom. Blond hair in a ponytail and cute little glasses with a pink wintercoat to wear to Church.
They were walking from a tiny church on Centre St., which I have only been to that place once in my short lived days as one of those people.
I was thinking negative thoughts about how I think people brainwash their spawn into the belief system they belong to, when that little girl did the sweetest thing. She looked up at me as her dad was putting her in the car. Pointed at me frantically and started waving like a crazy child going "BYEEEEEEE!" in an all too cute voice that only little girls can perfect. I had to wave back (otherwise I might eternally burn in hell for breaking a childs heart) and smile because thats what you do for children.

Now. I have a dilemma.
Ok I have many dilemmas. Plural lady ! Plural !
Oh PS. Prison Break was on tonight (awesome show).
PPS. Shane, you are truly amusing. The guy took his blog down after I kicked him out of my house for his insolence. Probably saying nasties about me on his future blogs. Weiner.

Ah I forgot my blogging manners.

Relationships.

So the nasty person who is my mother, told me that I have destructive ends to all my relationships. Also. It is ALWAYS my fault according to her.

I'd like to this time to thank her for making me feel like shit all day. She seems to think its ok to say that. I dont even think its true. I agree that I do have a hand in how things get a little out of hand, Im an Aries, what did you THINK was going to happen?

I had this awesome post going previous to this about another side of my relationships, but I put it in drafts and decided it wasnt worth it.

Now give me this time to be whiny and needy.

Why does everything end so badly for me? Is it the people I choose? Is it just me? Am I so horrible and vengeful that I could never have a nice relationship?
I want someone to see me for me. The serious side. The nice side. The mean side. The happy side. The insanely crazy funny side.
Or do I really want someone who doesnt know me at all so they cant just up and decide to go as soon as something goes wrong? According to them of course.

In reality perhaps I want no one.

Im never truly happy. I may fall in like with someone but it dies quickly when I become turned off by theyre annoying little habits (which Im sure I possess) but I just cant tolerate. I just dont understand. Im not miserable but Im getting close to that. Im not crying but dammit Im close and Im not happy, and nope Im not close to that.

It seems that no matter what I do I really cant work it out with anyone. There is no grey area its just burnt.

At the end of the day I am more than happy to be alone. I love my privacy and not having to impress anyone. Theres no one to complain when I just wear LuLu sweats and a DC tanktop. NO ONE. I love it.

If you cant enjoy your own company, no one else will either.

Letter of the day

To my darling husband :

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from the store, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

- Your loving wife.

DC

I love staying up late playing with the copy and paste features in paint. WEeeee for my exciting life ! No 360's on the report today. *sigh*
These are my new DC shoes. I work damn hard to scrap up the money for those little suckers. MmmMMMMMmmmm DCSHOES... <3 me love!