Just Too Awesome

This was taken by my friend Dawn last night in downtown Calgary ...

its right up there with The Commanders text from yesterday

"This just in! Michael Jackson will not be cremated ... Since he is mostly plastic he will be melted down and turned into lego's for little kids to play with"

Beat Elmo To Death

OHHHH HAPPY DAYS. Finally I am in a good mood after being a miserable cranky old hag these last few ... well ok since Ive been alive.

Jon & Kate are getting divorced.
Yayyyy... rejoicing can be heard worldwide now. The only thing that could make this any better would be a random monkey flying by with a razor and cutting off her annoying hair ... I'd like to say the whole head, but I'll take what I can get.

ITS CHRISTMAS IN SUMMER. Who would have thought?
In all honesty I feel for those children. Its going to be a miracle if any of them dont end up schizos, shitting their pants, stealing for thrills or addicts of something.

Moving along the escalator of Tachae's life ... I feel I am being patronized. Or used. Maybe both. Dont we usually feel like this anyways? Or we just fool ourselves?

"oh yes, mm hmm .... wonderful ". NO. I want answers. Now. Change. Now.
Not in a day, not in a week ... not in another year.

Listen, I am getting older by the goddamn second, and I dont have any time to waste. In fact, I could be at home burning my eyes with the radioactive goodness of my computer screen while I fill my mind with useless shit. Oh wait. I am.

I feel like moving into the woods and disappearing forever.

Which is no different from any other time in my life.

Except wait! Today is a lovely joyous day for traffic on Crowchild was almost completely clear, as in no waiting on the bridge ( I am PARANOID TO FUCK OF BRIDGES ) and it ....

and thats what I got to before my sacred concentration was disturbed the other day by this evil hairy beast.
Yeah I dont share my space so well... only child syndrome.

I FUCKING MISS BLOGGING. No wonder I have so much pain and anger held up in my heart, Im not able to splatter it on your eyes like a monkey throwing poo anymore. How tragic.

Now that I can think of it that way, Ill do it a lot more, dont you worry!!

So now for a bit of a sappy sweet story.

Theres a guy at my work named Michael, but for the longest time I called him David. I met him on his birthday, because everyone in the building got cake for it.
Hes special, and I mean hes different than everyone else in that way. Im not sure what affects him but it doesnt matter. Hes middle aged, silverish hair coming in, but very very very sweet.
Also good sense of humor. He told me today he'd like our work to have its own "Bachelor" show so he could be on it and get picked up by some nice single ladies. I just laughed.

He overheard me jokingly whining to the cashier that my favorite vitamin water was never stocked in the ice coolers, the strawberry-kiwi flavor. Absolute favorite. We have it, but its right out of the case and warm. Which is really gross, but I just get ice and go squirrel off back to my desk and drink it anyways. No big deal.

The next day, oddly enough, all the ice coolers were stacked FULL of strawberry-kiwi. I was happy but didnt think who would have suddenly just started doing it.

I came down for a bite of lunch and he was sitting by the window and called me over. He happily told me (like a child who is giving the most amazing gift) that he had stocked them JUST FOR ME, and thus I should buy 4 at once.

Awwwwwwwwwwwww, you have no idea how cute that was. So completely thoughtful.
He is my little old safeway man reincarnated.

Everyone might call that lame, but he is going on vacation soon, and I know I will not have anyone to stock my favorite for me. I can grab it myself, no big deal at all ... but he is so absolutely thoughtful to do something (with a busted ankle no less) like that just for little old me.

Excuse me while I tear up and whine a little more.

Some life changes are in order so please bear with me and these odd posts.

ZOMBIES

So maybe I didnt make myself clear for the last almost 5 years.

THIS IS MY FUCKING BLOG. Mine. Not yours.

You dont get to dictate what I write, how I write it or what I do period.

Do I tell you what to eat? How to drive (ok maybe that one inadvertantly) or how to wipe your goddamn wrinkly ass?
NO. NO I DO NOT. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

So if I ramble too much, or have too many paragraphs of nonsensical garbagerie for you ... then I have some news for you.

PISS OFF. YOU DONT HAVE TO BE HERE NOW DO YOU DO. Did I possess your body and force you to click into this link? Hmmm? Now did I?

Im so fed up with people telling me HOW I should be acting. WHAT I should be doing.
WHO I should be dating. WHAT I should be blogging about, like its the top focus of my day to be your dancing monkey. Yeah. And pigs fly. (they could, Ive heard of it you know).

I find it almost amusing that I havent nitpicked enough on people lately, and yet Im getting attacked from allsides. Its like the Indy Gangbang 500 except it really. really. sucks and Im not getting paid to do it. Err. Not that I would. Oh fuck. Forget it.

My point is, Who I am is WHO the fuck I am. When I figure out who that is, you'll be the first to know.

Sooo should not have eaten the New York Cheesecake with blueberry topping. Definitely must have been poisoned because I feel like ass right now. Not only is my phone in crappy shape, but everything else is seeming to be in my life right now. Except the job, I have a job, and I need to be grateful for that.

But I dont want to be the person who only cares about work. Ive been her before, and its not a good fit. Like a shoe too tight, a thong that gives the worst wedgies, err... anyways.

My whole point is, maybe if you feel the need to change me so much, you obviously dont know me, for well, me.

Im not perfect. I have size 10 womens feet (believe me, it sucks) I look ugly when I cry (really, I do... not one of the hot chicks who looks all glowy and awesome) , I have to try 10x harder than any girl I know to look decently ok or just human enough to not scare old people and children. Nevermind, I like scaring children.

Thats another thing, if ONE MORE person suggests I join the shitty mothers club, I will cause mass genocide. This part would piss alot of women I know off, but heres me and heres honesty.

I think its DISGUSTING when I see morbidly obese couples having babies, because that kid is going to have 9 million problems and never ever get exercise (my theory has proved true many times over) and when I see all the girls I went to school with having them in contest with every other girl, and all they can do is sit at home on the couch and go "OMG ITS SO AWESOME BEING A MOM BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH".
Seriously, if you dont want to hear about my dogs all ding dong day long, be sure I dont want to hear about your bratty little child and the really cute shit they took.

Some kid was throwing a tantrum on my lawn yesterday and his parents just sortve ignored him.
Damn them for being so docile, why cant they just spank the ever loving crap out of him so I may peacefully go on with my day and without my lawn being defiled by brats. I thoughtfully considered getting the hose with the extra pressure nozzle and maybe since his parents were too stupid to tell him to grow up, Id do it for them.

Fortunately or Unfortunately (as I lost out on opportunity) they left him and kept walking and he just got up and followed (still screaming the whole way down the block).

So my problem is, its ok for your kid to act like that, but its not ok for me to tell you make him shut the hell up? Noooo that would be meeeeeeaaaan.
It is also not acceptable for me to throw myself on their lawn and scream as loud as I possibly can.

But at least I'd feel fufilled and justice served.

Honesty is the best policy, so if you feel you need to change me into what you want or need, then Im not the right gal.

Akmed the dead terrorist

Oh totally made my day.

This is for Heff. Suck it.

TO THE LIMIT - GODDESS OF DESTRUCTION - JADE4U

Popemobile

No sadly I have no terrible pope jokes. Look to Mr. Kneee for that.

My eyes burn from looking at a monitor all day and yet ... here I am. Yay delicious burning. I'll be blind within the week from it, but its like a radioactive nuclear addiction to THE INTERWEB.

Am I deluding myself that I have no life and thats why Im ok spending my eternal week at work? Coming in early? Because I like it? Maybe I do... Ive noticed Im like that. We bitch and BITCH about work but when we arent working ... idle hands are the devils tools. But then again I like the Devil ... such a misunderstood fellow.

Ive been sick much to my own fault the last couple days, and as much as Ive wanted to post about a coworkers GODDAMN ANNOYING LAUGH THAT IS A CROSS BETWEEN A DONKEY AND A GOOSE, I havent been able to do so. Until now. Which would explain the whole posting and ... yeah ok whatever. Like anyones even reading this. Which PS. I hardly post about work related issues, and never ever discuss who or what I do ... just in case someone from work decides to google me and shits their pants when they start reading some rants. So thats my official legal disclaimer, not very well thought out, but Im sure it gets the point across.

Im trying. I really am. I want to give you the posts with the crazy pictures, and the ranting, but when I come home, I feel like Death burning a candle at both ends and eventually my body went "OK BITCH. TIME OUT. GETTING UP AT 4AM IN THE FREEZING COLD (yes its frosty here in June. dont even get me started on Al Gore and his global warming bullshit because Alberta didnt get that memo) TO RUN THESE STUPID DOGS AND THEN YOU PUT ME INTO OVERDRIVE WITH NO BREAKFAST AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO GIVE YOU THE ENERGY TO DO IT? NAH I DONT THINK SO. ILL JUST FAIL RIGHT AT THE PEAK OF A MAJOR DEADLINE. DING!! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!"

So I told it to suck a fat dong and ate a Big Mac. Mmmmm deliciously clogged arteries, how you must hate me.
No really ... I could feel my heart rate slow down as I ate it.

I havent quite let it sink in what I saw recently. Its bothering me ... I'll be on a good flow at work and going strong . . . AND BAM!! Like a drunkdriver in the middle of the day blowing a red light ... it hits me and I cant see anything else.
Im fine, Im not in mourning. But it IRKS me. Like a game I didnt win, a test I couldnt score high enough on, and my only consolation ... Ill never fall so low again.

Oh life lessons, how bitter you taste.

Its something Ive battled for a long time. I know how to get over it, but I'd rather sit here and bitch for awhile.

I Never Would Have Guessed.

SHES BACK!!! OH WHAT THE SHIT!!!!

























I have come to many revelations in these last few months.

Finding a job was a very humbling experience, but I was LUCKY enough to find one that I love.

Of course there are day to day things that dont make it to the top of the list of favorite things to do, but thats life.

I just wish I had my confidence back. Isnt that funny. . . when I was a chunky girl I was more fun, more confident (ironically) and more carefree. I lost weight and it was like I lost some personality or something. Mustve peed it out.

Now Im a neurotic workaholic with the social life of a dead crazy cat lady (as in being eaten away by stray cats).

I stopped writing for some reason. I couldnt tell you what it was.
New job ... some personal disappointments ... or realizing Im getting old and I still dont have some major plan laid out and its really bothering me.

Its raining and shitty out but I love it... I could go dance on my lawn in my shorts and scream out while listening to my Ipod and it wouldnt bother me in the least. Maybe my neighbors as it is past 11.

TOO BAD PEOPLE OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD. SOMEDAY I WILL WIN THE LOTTO AND BUY ALL YOUR HOUSES AND HAVE MY VERY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD.
Or in reality, probably not, but I can have a dream cant I?

I found out some disturbing but really good news tonight, someone lied to me for a very very long time, and I only today saw it. A picture is worth a thousand words. Literally.

I knew this years ago, we're talking YEARS. Good God do I feel like an idiot? Yes but I also feel very wise all of a sudden. You cannot learn without the lesson.

The Commander & Heff have probably forgotten all about me now. But I really hope they havent, along with others.

I only locked my blog to protect a few things for awhile. Nothing personal. Just have to do it from time to time to revamp and collect my thoughts... wherever those are.

I really feel like dancing, singing and having a good cry because holy mother of God I need that.
Its like purposely blinding yourself to the truth and suddenly you just cant do that anymore, its not healthy, and you let yourself see what you were really covering all this time, and *bzzz* you feel hurt but good.

Pain is Good as the hotsauce says.

My body is covered in goosebumps from this. Something had been nagging me in the back of my brain, at work I was a busy little bee just alot going on that I didnt have time to dwell on these thoughts. And they always came back.

"Broke, believe it, deceiving
In your world
And I knew him, someone falling
One just like you, one just like...

All I am
Take inside and be more careful
Defeat loss and glare at fall
To get you off where I'm going...
Following all down"
(36 Crazyfists - All I Am)

Is this all I am? I know its not but I have to question self worth.
What is this path I am following? Where the fuck are my breadcrumbs? Who am I following or am I leading?

No one but me can answer... but as usual I just want to escape this growing up for 10 minutes and go dance.
I can also sing if I please but Im worried about how many people I could injure with that.

As good as its going to feel to fully let go, I am also left with a heavy heart because I really really trusted that person. For so long. I let them in on EVERYTHING. And I just didnt notice that while I was letting them in, they were burning a hole in me. I didnt see it but I felt it and put my blinders on.

Its good, its FUCKING AWESOME.
You know what? I have a good job, I have a good home, puppies who are usually good and people who care about me.

In the words of Gwenyth Paltrow "FUCK HATERS!!"

So lovely little blogger friends, if you havent already forsaken me, Ive missed you.























Is it possible to feel like both of those at once? (No I do not wish to feel like a hairy fat man with a croquet stick .. maybe just kickass).